July 7th, 8th, and 9th I took in three straight days of NASCAR races: the UNOH 225 (Camping World Series), the Feed the Children 300 (Nationwide Series) and the Quaker State 400 (Sprint Cup Series) at the Kentucky Speedway in Sparta Kentucky. We had seven sets of tickets, which eight different individuals got to enjoy. My father treated all of us to a weekend that none of us will soon forget. I have attempted to chronicle here the highlights (and lowlights) as well as some of my observations. Some names and the details of some stories have been changed to protect the innocent (or guilty).
· Sparta is literally a town that you could miss if you had a mild sneezing fit. Someone once told me that Sparta was pretty much just a clearing of land with a store, a bar, a gas station, and a strip club. Other than the fact that they know have a Speedway and a Ramada Inn, it seems largely unchanged.
· Sparta City hall looks surprisingly like the do it yourself outback building they sell at Lowe’s. I could put a sign that says “City Hall” on the building behind my neighbor’s house and it would be a dead ringer for Sparta City Hall.
· During rain delays, you can learn a lot from vendors. Did you know that beer vendors carry approximately 70 pounds of beer and ice? Apparently, the key is to get just the right amount of ice to keep the beers cold but not so much that you keep sloshing it all on you. Surprisingly for a man who carries 70 pounds up and down stairs all day, this vendor was rather rotund.
· Tip for you aspiring NASCAR fans. Tony Stewart does not hear you every time you run to the front rail and yell “Go Tony” with both hands in victory salute position as he goes by. We hear you; I’m pretty sure Tony doesn’t even know you exist.
· If you are a grown woman and are coming to a NASCAR race, please learn how to put in your own earplugs. Watching a grown man knead each plug ever so carefully, pull back your hair, and insert them into each ear canal is too much for those around you to take. It was disgusting to watch but none of us could avert our eyes from the sight.
· This same poor woman also apparently had some rare condition, which did not allow her to place her butt on a metal bench as she sat in a man’s lap for two nights of racing straight.
· Apparently, if you are standing in line next to the Lt. Governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, it is not funny to say, “this line is kind of like a parking lot”. Sadly, I think I was the only one who recognized him. How bad a job must the Lt. Governorship of Kentucky be if you have to wait in line for your own slice of pizza?
· If you saw any coverage of the Quaker State 400 race, you know that many race fans had to endure waits of up to 6 hours or more stuck in traffic. Traffic was reportedly backed up on the interstates up to 15 miles or more. We left Lawrenceburg, KY at 12 noon on Saturday for the race. The same trip that we had made the two previous days in 60-75 minutes took us 6 ½ hours. For five of those hours we literally averaged 1 mile per hour. I have unaffectionately taken to calling our experience “CARMAGEDDON”.
· During Carmageddon, I am proud to report that my father and I won the “Iron Bladder Award”. All the other passengers in the car, at some point during the 6 ½-hour ordeal, took leave of the car to relieve themselves. The younger passengers slinked down a hillside and peed in the bushes. The older weak-bladdered trekked up a hillside to stand in line for strategically placed porta potties.
· I have a new theory that the choice of where and how one chooses to relive themselves while stuck in a 6 ½ hour traffic jam can tell you a lot about that person. Some people take great care to travel a great distance from the vehicle and to be out of sight before peeing. Others, apparently freed of convention by such an ordeal, simply open the door and pee by their car. The ordeal was an equal opportunity offender, as I saw several women trek into the woods for relief. I am still convinced that one woman never came back. I think she decided to walk home.
· Who says the American entrepreneurial spirit is dead? One ingenious businessman had two extremely attractive blonde girls walk up and down the traffic jam hawking big glasses of sweet tea, corn on the cob, cold water, and ice cream. Unfortunately, his experiment of having a shirtless, bearded man sell earplugs for a dollar did not appear to work. Not everything that looks good on paper, works out in reality.
· I have to give Senator David Williams his due. He was stuck in Carmageddon and never even made it to the race. What did he do first thing on Monday morning? Called for a special hearing on the traffic and parking problems at Kentucky Speedway. Point to Williams.
· Ms. Sprint Cup is very cute but she is a horrible singer.
· In reality, there are actually two Ms. Sprint Cups. Was there a tie? Is the job so demanding that it requires two women to do it?
· You couldn’t get within five feet or touch Pappa John’s restored 1983 Camaro but you could climb on and take all the pictures you want of the Army’s Blackhawk helicopter.
· After enduring Carmageddon and brutal heat, the only complaint that my good friend Matt Sawyer had was that they ran out of Coca Cola. He actually said the following, “There isn’t much they can do to control the traffic but they should never run out of Coke. They should have trucks of Coke waiting to supply the race”. Problem is the trucks of Coke were stuck somewhere on Interstate 71 in the traffic.
· There is no sound so deafening as the silence that follows the moment after someone drops their i-phone and picks it up to see what damage, if any, was done only to discover that the whole screen is cracked.
· In phone related matters, apparently Sprint sets up signal blocking towers to block the phone signal of any carrier that does not have Sprint in its name. What does ATT have to do for their customers to get a signal, sponsor a car?
· Speaking of sponsors, I was not aware that the Poultry Producers of Southern Ontario and Crazy Larry’s Swap Meet and Dairy Bar had advertising budgets that would allow them to sponsor a car.
· These drivers speed around the track going upwards to 200 mph but need a stepladder to get into the back of a truck after driver introductions?
· Seeing and hearing the governor of Kentucky utter the phrase “Boogitty, Boogitty, Boogitty” does little to inspire confidence. I suspect this will come back to haunt him in a campaign ad in the fall.
· Naomi Judd had more bondo on her face that Jimmy Johnson’s car.
· In closing, I’d like to think the Lenovo ThinkPad and Logitech mouse that helped me type this chronicle of my NASCAR experience. The Value City Kitchen Table also gave us invaluable support tonight. The guys in the pit were also invaluable in refueling me with juice and getting me back out there with a quick change of underwear.
· For those of you without a sense of humor and/or knowledge of rock history, Def Leppard had a song in 1988 called “Armageddon It”. The title of this is “Carmageddon It”. Get it?
· All kidding aside, the true highlight of the weekend was getting to spend it with my father, my sons, and good friends. We will have memories and stories to tell that will last a lifetime. There is much bonding that occurs when you navigate 70 miles in 6 ½ hours.
Written by Jeff Drury July 2011
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